High brow humour with a twist -ed, broken neck.

A PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT FROM A RECORDING TAKEN DURING BORED SHITLESS'S RECENT TOUR OF TOP UNIVERSITIES AROUND THE GLOBE WHERE WE LECTURED ON "HOW TO WASTE YOUR DAY IN 6 EASY TO LEARN LESSONS."

And a fine good day to you all, my little wet farts. 

Today I'm feeling particularly fine and wholesome.  And in such a mood I can reasonably do no more or no less than impart the reason for my fine state and sleekness.  In truth, for any man of culture, reason and grace such as myself - don't say a fucking word, my blabber-mouthed friend, if you know what's good for you, alright cock? - there can only be one reason and one reason alone. 

Yes, yes.  You've guessed it - yes, you at the back!  Yes, you ya prat!  With your fucking hand up - Oh fuck!  I didn't want to cuss today!  'She' would be upset by such ungentlemanly behaviour - Oy, ya fucking dimshit!  You, the short arse little cunt ... standing next to the blond with, and pardon me for saying so Madam, the fantastic jugs and nipples like chapel hatpegs..... oh now you know who I mean, don't you?  Ya fucking arsehole!  So, you've guessed it right?  The answer is....go on!  SHOUT IT OUT!

AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS - "YOU'VE COME OUT OF THE CLOSET."

What you saying?......Come 'ere ya little cunt, I'm gonna rip your fucking head off!  That's it!  Go on, fucking scarper you little git!  I've got your number ya fucking wanker!  Fucking closet indeed. 

Perish the very thought!

Anyone else?  With a sensible fucking answer, that is.

No-one?

Yes, yes.  You!  The geezer with the .....the bald head, next to the other geezer with a.... bald head.  Yes, yes, you ya cunt!  What's that?  That's not two men with bald heads, it's your wife's tits and you're proud of the fuckers?  Well......and so you fucking should be sir!  My word!  Anyway sir, what's your answer?  Why am I so fucking sleek?  And don't shout it out this time in case some one fucking hears, okay?  Yup, I know, I know, you're sure you're right, but just because there's that fucking slim fucking almost non-existent fucking chance that you're a cunt as well, just whisper it.  Okay?  Just whisper, okay?

AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS - "You've realised you're a fat useless cunt and you're going to end it all."  

Get that fat cunt out of here before I fucking kill him!  Quickly, I'm trying hard to restrain myself in the face of such an effrontery!  And anyway, which of you other fuckers told him?  Ya bunch-a-cunts!  She would NOT be amused! 

Alright, ya bleeding idiots, last fucking chance.  Otherwise I kick the fucking lot of you into touch and don't write another fucking blog ever, ever, EVER again!  Now...... ya cunts.... which one of you raving homosexuals that remains has something half fucking decent to offer?  Eh?  Eh?  Not so quick now are you?  Eh?  Eh?  Okay.... yes, you!  The fucking mass murderer in the plaid jacket and equally shit fucking hat - Yes, you!  Ya fucking Sherlock Holmes reject!  Whaddya got for me?  Fucking shout it, whisper it, do whatever the fuck you like with it, just don't fucking forget!  This is the Last Chance Saloon.  No more blog!  No more Bored Shitless if, and that's IF you fuck up.  Nah!.......bring it big boy!  Dazzle me, ya cunt with your insight!  Why am I so fucking bored of saying I'm fucking sleek?  For fuck's sake, get on with it ya cunt!

AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS - "Jenny Agutter.  From the railway children.  Jenny Agutter.  She of the mane like Black Beauty and the skin like fine porcelain.  I think that is the answer for your ....glee...the reason for your 'bonhomie' ......if I might be so bold ........is none other than .......Jenny Agutter.  Sir!"

Thank fuck for that!  Yes, of course it's Jenny fucking Agutter.  Any sane man knows that.  And I, am very definitely very fucking sane.  No question on that count!  Nope!  None whatsoever.  Sane!  Yup, sane as ....as a ... as a snake in winter, that's me.  Anyway, here she is.........

 ............Here's me Jenny!

Yes, wonderful Jenny who fulfilled many a boyhood fantasy........... though I was myself a, how shall we say?  A Jenny cum-lately?  Yes, I was of the more mature persuasion by the time my hand found a welcome home in my pockets whilst me-Jenny sat on the mantelpiece smiling down.  Ah!  Happy days!  From more innocent times.

Okay!  I think that's your fucking lot.  So fuck off ya cunts!


Nota Bollocks.  Everything in RED text in the above reconstituted transcript forms the official transcript from this particular lecture.  Everything in BLACK text was deleted.  For a copy of the transcript please write to:  Bored Shitless c/o The Fucking Nuthouse, Barking Mad, Pluto.  Please enclose a S.A.E. and 50 of whatever currency you have in your pocket.

Oh, anything in BLUE text I'm undecided about!